What Your Favorite Band Says About You


To say that optimism has infected music journalism is an understatement. The sickly, sticky-residue-on-a-countertop-sweetness that’s permeated the way we write about this artform has ruined too many great publications. Pitchfork used to be downright combative with artists, and now they praise the newest assembly line release as being “something fans will love.”

Well sometimes, fans are wrong. Sometimes, your taste just sucks. Sometimes, even, your taste morphs the way you’re perceived, like some sort of twisted, pretentious Mr. Hyde, and the only cure is to reflect who you appear to be on the outside back at you. We at Ink Magazine’s music desk have decided to compile all of our faded memories of A&E’s Intervention and try and help you out. This is an act of love; for you, and for the culture. 

Harry Styles

You obsess over mediocre target-core music to drown out your constant racing thoughts because you think it will make you feel better. But here’s the thing, it won’t. And no matter how much you argue that Harry is the best musician on the planet (and I know you have) it won’t change the fact that he is really, really average. You praise him as the first one to embrace femininity and fashion, but people of color have made strides like that years before him… it’s okay! Keep that ugly poster on your wall. I’m sure he’ll notice your insane tweeting one day. 

Written by Zoya Javaid


There are 2 types of Radioheads: depressed douchebag blowing smoke up their own ass, or the actual musician, who for some reason will not stop rambling about how In Rainbows is “one of the greatest rock albums ever made.” Regardless of which one you are, you send chills down people’s spines when you tell them they are your favorite.

Written by Walker Cosby


People see you on the street and think “that person probably owns a fern.” You charge your crystals in your bedroom window and collect trash off the street for your collages. You say you’re vegan but you enjoy the occasional hamburger, medium rare.

Written by Marian Dress

Greta Van Fleet

Your closest exposure to the classic rock they’re ripping off is when they played Immigrant Song during Thor: Ragnarok. You’ve seen only as much of “Dazed and Confused” as is available on Youtube in clip format. You own rose tinted glasses and don’t recognize the irony whatsoever.

Written by Mason Rowley

TV Girl

You drink red wine alone most nights while writing poetry about yourself. You think that every woman you’re friends with wants to date you but just doesn’t know it yet. You overuse the phrase “if you will” to mansplain feminism to women.

Written by Marian Dress

Maroon 5

You don’t exist. 

Written by Zoya Javaid

The Strokes

You bum Newport Reds off the local bands when you go to their shows, but don’t actually smoke. You just think they look cool when you store them behind your ear. Your car is twenty years old, not because you can’t afford a new one (au contraire, your dad can actually buy you another one whenever you ask) but because you think the fact that you have to rifle through a glove box of cassettes to listen to the third best album release on 9/11 “preserves the soul of the art.” 

Written by Mason Rowley

Phoebe Bridgers

You are the nicest person ever, but if someone asked you how you’re doing you would break down on the spot. On the one hand, you appreciate good lyricism which is great! Actually, it would be great if all her songs didn’t sound like the same quotidian, dramatic melody in slightly different fonts. You’re easily impressed, but at least you’re not in denial about it. 

Written by Zoya Javaid

The Garden

Take a shower, you smell.

Written by Walker Cosby

Lil Peep

You vape hard. You’re the type to use your area code as the title for your new soundcloud album that’s barely one step away from Lil’ Peep himself. You’ve let your friends give you too many bad stick-and-pokes and you personally know at least three white rappers. You get places early just so you can sit in the bathroom and bask in your own fabricated melancholia. 

Written by Marian Dress

Queens of the Stone Age

Just so you know, if you’re a dude, every woman you know hates your vibe. I mean they find you absolutely rancid. You’re like a living can of Axe Phoenix body spray. If you were a car, the passenger side door handle would be missing.

Written by Mason Rowley


You’re the type of guy to walk up to teenagers wearing band tees and ask them to name three songs. You mansplain to women at local shows about the impact of Kurt Cobain on music, when you don’t understand how much he would’ve hated that. You smoke American Spirit naturals, but you don’t actually like smoking. You just do it in the hopes that someone asks you “what’s on your mind?” so that you can monotonously ramble about your inner turmoil. 

Written by Walker Cosby


You’re like The Strokes dude, but you actually pull it off.

Written by Mason Rowley

There you have it; a comprehensive list of artists and bands that suck to be passionate about. So what if these bands got you through some dark days, were with you in the happiest moments of your life, and every second in between? South Park taught me that it’s lame to care. 

Fret not, however. We’ve aggregated our minds into the singular goal of finding you a band that is socially acceptable to like, while still being indie enough to massage that hipster part of your brain. Don’t try and pretend you don’t have one. You’re reading Ink Magazine. Behold, the answer to your musical prayers, discovered over a millennia of calculations and divine arithmetic.

Have you ever heard of Arctic Monkeys?

Graphics by Lesly Melendez